I'm in one of those rebellious moods. Ever since I left work. I feel destructive. I want to paint my walls some obnoxious green and not stay in the lines. I want to pack up 2/3 of my clothes and haul them off to Goodwill. I want to blast the music through my house with both doors open and cook some pasta and drink some wine. (I think I've written this blog once before.) I want a hot shower. It's rainy and I love it when the shower window steams up and I can peak out at the world past the pull down shade. My grandmother had a window in her shower and I did the same thing when I was 10. It's quiet and peaceful, warm on the inside, cold on the out. Maybe I'll settle for the hot shower and hanging some junk on the walls. I'll take the dinner too. :)

I used to be a religious girl. I was under the impression that if I did certain things I would get what I was looking for. And if I did those things, I had the right to expect them of others and to look down on those who were different from me. What I really wanted was to feel okay about myself and to be in good standing with God. So I did the only thing I knew and I went about securing my list.
Check.
Check.
Check.
Check.
Check.
Check.
Check.
But when I got to the end of the list I had none of those things I’d hoped for. I was an empty shell and to say the least, confused.
So I started over. I tore up the list and went on a quest to find what was real, what was true, to find life. I still believed Jesus came and did what he did so I could have real life, so I listened to him and this is what I found.

Grace has made me well with God.
He says love your enemies.
The last will be first.
Give up your life and you will find it.
Give to him who asks you.
If someone asks you to walk a mile, walk with them two.
Be reconciled to your brother.
Love the poor and the widows.
Share what you have been given.
You cannot do life without people.
You were made for a painless world, but you will not find it until after this life.
He came that I would have life and have it to the full.
Be kind, be gracious, have compassion, be gentle, forgive, be humble, and above all love.
Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted,
To release the captives,
To comfort those who mourn,
To give beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, hope for despair.

I am forgiven.
I have been justified forever.
I am clean and holy not because of me, but because of him.
I am loved by God.
I can do nothing to change these things.

This is not a new checklist. It is a way of life, it is life, and freedom. And I have a lot to learn and I still do not live as I hope to. But at least I can see it more clearly now and it is a good way, a way of love and of kindness.

“O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. O God, the triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, “Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.” Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.” - A.W. Tozer

“Having been justified by faith,
we have peace with God through
our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom
we also have access by faith into this
grace in which we stand, and rejoice
in hope of the glory of God.” Romans 5

The other day my roommate asked me if there was anything I needed at the store. I said, "Ooh! Yes, can you get me some hearing aid batteries?" She said, "Yeah, what are they? Just double-a's? Of course I missed what she said, needing the aforementioned batteries and caught up with the laughter at the thought of wearing AA batteries on my ears. Nice.
[Not self portrait.]

an ER account

This morning I knew something was wrong when the pain under my left ribs sent me to the bathroom floor. I spent the next hour shifting around trying to make it stop and trying to hold in whatever was in my stomach. Well, the cold bathroom floor felt about the same as the emergency room floor. I couldn't help but wonder what had touched that floor previous to my face. And the vomitting with their white popcorn buckets while they took my info was quite different from that over my toilet. "On a scale from one to ten how is your pain level?" they asked. I said 8, but that was before I noticed the pain scale.
Tears were at the 10 and I had already cried twice. Well, I shimmied into my gown and moved between bed and cold floor looking for comfort that didn't come. After x-rays and a cat scan they informed me that my kidney stone was now moving on. Well, at least I wasn't dying. And the morphine went down quite nicely. That's about the time when my beloved friend (and caretaker for the day) began taking pictures to document the experience. I've spent the day enjoying what I would normally take for granted, which is to lie on my couch without pain. And I thought, sometimes without the pain I don't know what's to appreciate.

The drizzle and my white breath makes me moody.
I can tell by the water building up in my eyes that my nose must be red. It's a day for thinking, a day that I would smoke if I smoked. Something about water, whether falling or fallen awakens something in me. I'm not sure what opens it up, but it happens every time I cross a lake or watch it drizzle outside my window. It makes me think God is thoughtful and quiet sometimes.